The Mind of Sirius Black
by ChrissyTNG
Summary: Was Sirius Black as crazy as we all think he was in Azkaban? What was he thinking of the day before he escaped? Who was he thinking of? Reposted


A/N: I posted this story here back in December of '04, but deleted it in June to re-write some of it. I'm now reposting it corrected and edited to my liking. I worked hard on this and I'd like to thank my beta reader 'Salem Silverman' at FA for helping me with this. I'd also like to note that I have had this story plagiarized on other websites much to my dismay. I want to establish that there are only two places on the Internet that I have this story posted at, here and at FA. So if anyone here has read this anywhere other then these two sites then please contact me. Ok so I hope all of you who read this enjoy it!

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"_If I hadn't blown the whole thing years ago, I might not be alone."- Gin Blossoms_

**The Mind of Sirius Black**

_On an island, somewhere off the coast of Britain there is a prison. A prison built for a certain kind of people. Magical people. Wizards. It is the most guarded place in the magical community. It is guarded by creatures that feed on a person's emotions. Creatures that drain all the happiness out of a person. Dementors. They leave them hollow. Or worse._

_They say there is a man, the most dangerous of men, who is imprisoned here. They say he is insane. Mad. Out of his right frame of mind. And yet when one looks around the prison they can see people who mutter to themselves aloud. This man never mutters aloud. They can hear people screaming out in terror, due to some nightmare. No one has heard this man scream out. Not once. _

_In fact, he is so calm at times that it disturbs the other prisoners who look back at him from their own cells. He is usually quiet. Very quiet. He stares blankly out of his small window most of the time, and to most people he seems too vacant to communicate properly with anyone. However to the amazement of all he retains a vast vocabulary. He communicates quite well. _

_Although he is under the heaviest guard, the Dementors seem to have no effect on him. None whatsoever. Of all the prisoners, he alone seems sane._

How long has it been since I last saw the sun? How long since I last saw the light of the moon? Oh, God! The moon. Moony. Remus. Werewolf. Friend. Best Friend. James. Gone, all gone. Dead. Everything is dead. James is dead. Lily is dead. Remus is dead. From what Bellatrix said when she came here, Frank and Alice are dead too. I wonder, who is left alive? Peter.

This accursed cell is dark and dank. Filthy. Dirty. Lonely. Cold. Cold as ice, cold as death. It all led to that didn't it? Death. It was inescapable. We all dance with it in the end. Oh, by all the gods if only I could dance with it now!

Dance. Dancing. Swirling faces in the blur of a crowded room. I used to like dancing, but I shall dance no more. It is lost. Everything is lost. Nothing remains. It's all gone.

Gone. Where has it all gone? Away. _Far away._ Lost forever. Never to be found again. Founders. Gryffindor and Slytherin. Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw. Marauders. Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs. Remus. He was probably killed too. Betrayed. Just like James.

James! Oh, why did it have to be you? My stupidity was your downfall. It was all my fault. No excuses now. I should've known better! I thought I was so smart. So clever! But in the end I was reckless. A fool. The biggest of them all. Oh, the irony! Here I thought I was saving you, but instead I was signing your death warrant! Can you ever forgive me? Of course not! The dead don't forgive. Not that I deserve it.

What do I deserve? Hell. That is what I deserve. To suffer for all eternity for my crimes. But not before I have revenge my dear friend! Oh, no. If there is one thing that I can promise to not screw up it is that I _will_ kill him. The rat. Wormtail. Peter. And to think we were once family!

Family. My family is here with me. Well my blood family at any rate. Bellatrix and her husband are here. But where is Narcissa? Shouldn't she be here? And where is Lucius? Andromeda? Free. My brother? They said he was dead too. My blood brother is dead. But so are my real brothers. I killed them. It feels like I killed them with my own hands! All because of me. I killed them. I killed myself. I killed you.

What was it I had said to you, James, when you asked if I would be to be your Secret Keeper? Ah, yes I remember.

"_Why not? I trust you above everyone I know, excluding Lily." _

"_Because isn't it obvious? Everyone will know you chose me!"_

"_So that's a 'no' then?"_

"_Listen, I'm about to go into hiding myself. I'm a more high profile target then you; I mean half of my family are Death Eaters! It wouldn't be fair to you to make me your secret keeper only to have one of them torture it out of me and then come after you and Lily. Think about it. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if anything happened to the three of you."_

"_Ok, so who else then? I can't go with Dumbledore, I don't want to put him in anymore risk then he's already in."_

"_Remus."_

"_Yeah, but we talked about that last night remember Sirius? There's something up with him and I'm not sure what. So he's out."_

"_Yeah. Hate to say it, but he's been acting very strange lately."_

"_Ok, so who else is there?"_

"_Peter."_

"_Peter?"_

"_I know, but it'd be the perfect ruse! No one would even suspect it."_

"_He's weak. If he ever got caught he'd probably spill in a heartbeat."_

"_Not if everyone thought it was me."_

"_Where are you getting at?"_

"_Just tell everyone that I'm your secret keeper, and that way they'll torture me to death and not Peter. Thus I die so that you might live."_

"_How generous of you."_

"_Why you're quite welcome Mr. Potter."_

"_On second thought that might actually work."_

"_Told you."_

"_Let me see what Lily thinks though. If she approves it then we'll go ahead and do it."_

"_Good, glad we got that settled. Now, what was that you said earlier about getting a drink?"_

And so I sealed our fates forever. You died because of my mistake. My foolish mistake, and I…I…I'm rotting here in this hole. Too far from heaven, yet not close enough to hell. No, I will make it to hell only after I get my revenge. Your revenge. Our revenge.

He will die. Oh yes. When I find him I will make sure of that. If I am to go to hell for this, then he of all people deserves to go with me. Bastard! I would have died for him! He was my friend. I trusted him. _I trusted him!_ And he betrayed me. He betrayed you. He betrayed Remus. Lily. Harry.

Oh, James! How could I forget? I orphaned your son. Lily's son. My godson. Because of me he has no parents. No, because of Peter he has no parents. I didn't make Peter turn traitor. He did that on his own. Your son lives without you because of him, not me. And yet, I can't help but think that if I had said yes to you then, none of this would have happened.

Oh, my supreme folly! My ego! My pride! My arrogance! People use to say that I was arrogant. Why didn't I listen to them? Because I was conceited. Oh to be struck down by foolish pride!

Pride. My whole family is full of it. Myself included. Just look at Bella! She's here, same as me, because of pride. I thought I could save my best friend, she thought she could save her master. Whatever our motivation, our failings were one and the same. Pride.

I hurt so many people. So many. I killed so many. I killed you. I killed Lily. I killed Remus. I killed Harry.

I forget. I forgot. Harry lives. He is no longer Harry James Potter though. They call him something else now. They gave him a new name. The-Boy-Who-Lived. Yes, that's what his name is. The-Boy-Who-Lived. Interesting. I wonder where he is now? Right, I remember. With the Muggles. Lily's Muggles.

I'm a murderer. I'm a fiend. Hell. I deserve it. A part of me craves it. I _want_ to go into that fiery abyss! Just end my pain now!

But not yet. No, not yet. I still have one last mission before I set sail for that River Styx. Peter. He must die. Peter _must_ die! If it's the last thing I do, I will kill that ungrateful rat! If it's the last thing I do. My Knight to your Rook.

I will drink from the cup of revenge, and bitter sweet shall be its taste. Bitter sweet. And then after that, I will go silently into that good night. Oh blessed night! The fires of hell are waiting! My real punishment is what I desire. To know that I at least paid my penance somehow. Someday.

Someday this will all come to pass. I will go before the throne of Hades and Persephone and be rightfully judged by the three sisters. They will set me some eternal task of punishment. A heinous sentence that will cleanse me of my sins. Will wash my stained hands of this blood. Her blood. Your blood. Their blood.

Blood. Red. Lily's hair was red. But Harry will never know that. He'll never know his mother. Never.

It comes again. It all comes again. The memories. The bad ones. It's how I know _they're_ coming. Up the hall, towards my cell. I'm one of the most guarded here. I see the faces of the dead! I see you. James, I see you now as if you're right here with me. And you, Lily, I see you too. I'm in your house. Your broken house. I hear a sound. One that breaks my heart. I hear the cries of an orphaned child. He lives! He isn't dead. And I find myself filled with a sudden happiness. All is not lost! In the House of the Dead, there are those who yet live.

It always happens like this. They come, bringing memories that are too much to bear at times. But at the end of each memory there is always something good. Some hope. Hope is what brings everything full circle for me. It's like I'm living in Pandora's Box.

_They're_ gone. For now. But _they'll_ be back. _They_ always come back. Never a moment's peace. Peace. What is peace? It doesn't matter. I'll never know. Never. That's a long time. A very long time. If only hell would wait a bit longer!

With one flick of his wand Voldemort struck Lily down. But he killed so much more then she and James. He killed the happy life that awaited their son. He killed Remus. He killed Peter. And he killed me. He killed all of us.

When Lily fell to the floor dead, her fate was sealed. My fate was sealed. All of our fates were sealed. All of us who were in some way connected to them. But our only, _only_, comfort is that he was finally defeated. We gave up so much for that. So much! We thought to sacrifice the pawn only to find that we had sacrificed the Queen and the Bishop.

We went down in that sinking ship but the Dark Lord went with us. After eleven years of uncertainty and suspicion, we finally won. Even if we died in the process.

Were we just the pawns of the gods? Was there nothing we could do to prevent our fate? Was it destiny or folly that brought these things to us? Was it all out of our hands?

If there is one thing you can say about me it is that I persevere. My pride helped me persevere to this point. I might be in jail, but I'm not defeated! No, not by any stretch of the imagination! I'm still here! That's right, damn it I'm still alive and fighting! My friends have either died or deserted me, but that doesn't stop me.

No, at this point nothing will stop me. Let the dead rest as far as I'm concerned. That's right. No need to bring up the past. Not anymore. The present. That's where I'm at.

I live in the present tense. No longer in the past. Here and now. I'm in confinement. Azkaban. I'm surrounded by the most vile and evil of wizards. I'm the most guarded prisoner here. They have at least two of _them _outside at all times.

And yet, I'm still alive. I'm a Black. Sirius Black. He. The one that I want. He is Peter. Peter Pettigrew. I am the hunter and he is my prey. He escaped the first time, but won't the last! I _will_ get him! He _is_ mine. His days are numbered. His time has run out.

I take out the picture. The picture I got from that Fudge character when he came here. It's amazing he's Minister of Magic. I take one last look at it. It's _him _all right. I'd recognize the rat anywhere. The family he is with looks vaguely familiar, but there is no time to dwell on that now. All I know is that this boy he is with probably goes to Hogwarts. He probably knows Harry.

Oh, James when I took on the role of godfather, I meant it. I will not let Peter kill the last of the Potters. The last link to my dead life. To my dead friends. Oh no! I will escape soon. _Very_ soon. I will return. I _will_ have revenge. This game we've been playing Peter, is over. It all comes down to this. It ends now.

Checkmate.


End file.
